The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
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impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
Put a ring on it
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”