Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.