The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
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I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie