The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take