The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
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*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong