Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

I don’t need a mood ring, I have a face.

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*