The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
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The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Bear knowledge
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.