Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

I feel it

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.