The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
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I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Given the amount of sweat it generates, self-checkout should absolutely count as cardio. And high-intensity if a line is growing behind you.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Bitcoin. Toothurt.