The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
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I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I did not eat the cake…
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy