The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
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I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I hope Alan is OK
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense