The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
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Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
work smarter, not harder
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
#parenting
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating