The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
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The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I’m tired tomorrow.