Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other