Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one last job

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

When can I start eating bats again.

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not