The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
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excuse me
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Worlds greatest photobomb
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.