Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.