THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
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My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what