THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
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I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Only short people can save us
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL