The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
You Might Also Like
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it