The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
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Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Some people were born into their job.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour