The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
