The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
