The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
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Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.