The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
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Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
me and my fake scenarios
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
this is how life feels
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
this will hang in the louvre one day
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.