The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
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Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.