Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

For the orator and chef in all of us