The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
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[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Mad Max Arctic Road
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
*frowns in Scottish*
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON