The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
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I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
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[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’