Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.