The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
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So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard