Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

not seeing the problem

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.

You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave