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10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
🐟✨ #re4
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
We’ve all been there…
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner