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*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
SCARY COSTUME
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”