Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.