The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
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Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
pls suprot
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
cry laughing at this shit
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.