The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
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ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”