The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
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If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.