The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
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i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
How many? 🤔
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.