Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

[ Blind date ]

Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.

Her: ummmm

Me: whatcha thinking?

Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.