The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
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All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup