The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
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You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”