The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
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God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.