The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
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As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Come back with a warrant
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
I cannot stop laughing at this
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”