The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
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mechanics be like
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
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