If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
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one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
translated into Canadian
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.