The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
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“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
Interior designer.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.