Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂

If you had more money you’d be happier.

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.