The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
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If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Based Erika
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
2022 be like
But is it really??
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
*serious situation*
My brain:
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
WHY?!
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.