The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
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It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
notice
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.