Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish