the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
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I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*