the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
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Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
!!!!!!!!!!!
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.