The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
You Might Also Like
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
this came to me in a vision
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
can’t wait til they legalize outside
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?