Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”

If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

Teamwork makes the dream work.

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.