The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
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I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
My church trusts me to collect and count the offering but not to pick up the donuts and that’s fair.
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
