The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
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{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
What the hell is going on?
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”