The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.

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Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.


Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.


‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.


Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them


A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.


Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”


[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid


I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!


Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.