@maratasin

The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.

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@TheFunnyWorId

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

@Donna_McCoy

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

@EllaZee5

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

@Bob_Janke

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

@junejuly12

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

@Marmel

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

@dafloydsta

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

@supnugget

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

@6stringSpecial

Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.