I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.
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*gets caught kissing an optical illusion* it’s not what it looks like!
Coworker: I lost my phone.
CW: I don’t know where it is.
M:*perplexed look* You’re not glued to it like a NORMAL person? Freak!
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name