The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.

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I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”


*gets caught kissing an optical illusion* it’s not what it looks like!


Coworker: I lost my phone.


CW: I don’t know where it is.

M:*perplexed look* You’re not glued to it like a NORMAL person? Freak!


[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?


Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.


I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.


me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you


[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name