The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
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When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt