The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
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who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Voting is the worst group project
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
❤️❤️❤️
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions