Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

The options really are this bad

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.

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Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.