The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
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[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.