Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)