The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
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[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
🤣😂🤣😂
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time