The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
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[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I have so many questions.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.