The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
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Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
pain
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.