The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
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The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.