Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?