Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

The first one, obviously

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬