Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”