Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”

Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.

1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone