The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
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*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
how DARE
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.