The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
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I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I need to sieze this.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.