The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
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as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
The sacred texts.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.