The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
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me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.