The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
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I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid